I am having one of those days. My husband’s car stopped halfway between our house and the repair shop. We are now waiting on a tow truck in the dark out in a right turn lane. My car’s emergency flashers pulse a signal in my brain. SOS, SOS, SOS, God do you see this? SOS, SOS, SOS, Do you see me? My mind jumps to other highlights of the day: cavities to be filled, SOS, SOS, SOS, a student says “I hate this”, SOS, SOS, SOS, serious health problems, SOS, SOS, SOS, financial strain in the lines of the face of my weary husband.
It’s so hard to trust the hand to take care of me, the hand I cannot see.
I went to my crazy place. Not a proud moment. I screamed at my husband and started to cry. It wasn’t his fault, he was doing his best. It wasn’t my fault either. It just was. It wasn’t even about the car. Not one more thing tonight. Finally the yellow glow of the tow truck. Finally the repair shop. Finally home.
The next morning I cried out to God in a way that I hadn’t in years. The weariness of holding it all together for the past few months had caught up with me. What did it really mean that he would give me my daily bread as promised? We are even told to ask for it when we pray.
That morning my daily reading was in the gospel of Luke. Jesus was telling the disciples not to worry about what they would eat, or drink or wear. He feeds the birds, how much more will he feed us? He makes the flowers beautiful, how much more will he give us what we need? Where is my faith?
Then the forgotten part at the end,
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” Once again I started to cry. He sees me here and sees that I am afraid. I want little things and he is ready to give me life in the kingdom.
I have enough to eat everyday, so in a way it is hard to relate to really being hungry, but I am afraid of not having enough. I have to face up to the fact that I don’t want daily bread. I want a guarantee my bills will be paid till the end of my days. I want the emotional, mental, and spiritual resources to handle everything perfectly. I want “enough” but what I need is God.
I am empty, but security will not fill me.
Not what he gives, but Him